Hi, I'm Emily Adopted...

and I'm having an experience.

For me, as I continue on in my healing process (the “letting go” of traumatic experiences), more triggers come charging to the forefront without warning.

Me (subconsciously to myself): I have finally achieved stability! I’m sober, I’ve lost 30lbs, we are on the right meds, I’m back in school and I’ve eliminated all of the toxic people from my life (almost)… I’m about to be thriving!

Brain: Psych! You don’t get to be at peace! Are you delusional? Your mother abandoned you at birth and while I would love to give you more answers, I am not going to let you know exactly what relinquishment did to you neurologically. So, let’s just get right to forcing all of these incredibly painful emotions onto you all at once… and let’s do it at the most inconvenient time possible.

This happens enough to have me convinced that this game is never-ending.

At 41 years old, I find myself estranged from my adoptive family, yet living at my mother’s house. Trust me when I say this is temporary: I have been hiding out here since I moved home at the beginning of the pandemic. This may sound unhinged, but after having a total hysterectomy and oophorectomy (more grief and loss), I entered some sort of dark night of the soul and I have gone through hell attempting to piece myself back together. I estranged from the majority of my adoptive family, got sober (twice… fucking weed), lost 30 pounds, lost my dog :(, started orthodontia in my 40s, broke a trauma bond with a narcissist (that was a suuuuuper hard one), became a student of art and psychology… and so on and so forth. And where better to do all of that than the safety of your childhood bedroom? LOL.

While I am getting closer to relaunching myself into the world, a number of relinquishment related triggers have presented themselves. I want to share specifically about one.

I always say in recovery meetings that any fear I have can be walked straight back to rejection and abandonment. We are all familiar with rejection sensitivity by now, I think. Anyway, its relevant.

When my adoptive mother leaves to visit with my siblings and her grandchildren, or, when they go on family vacations without me, I relive my relinquishment (that statement is therapist validated!). I rationally know that what is happening is a normal behavior and that she is entitled to do what she is doing, but something very very deep inside of me goes back to being that baby. I am that infant that was taken straight away from its mother and put into isolation… and then foster care… and then an unhealthy adoptive family… and then two abusive families, because there was divorce and a number of other issues. No matter how hard I fight, I implode from my core and all of the feelings I have been successful at eradicating come back straight at once and start fucking with me. I have been abandoned all over again. My psyche tells me my mother has left me for good and that I don’t exist anymore while she is with her genetic family. That story sounds devastatingly familiar, doesn’t it?

Fortunately, I have coping skills and have yet to pick up a drink or a joint when I am in this way of being. I have an excellent therapist, a solid recovery program sponsor and a network of people who are willing to hear me when I share my experience.

This doesn’t mean going through the triggers aren’t crippling and painful, but at least I don’t drink.

I don’t know, this post is not well structured, but I don’t really care at the moment. I just needed to get my feelings out into the world and out of my body. Maybe some of you can relate. I’m sure you can. We are all so different, yet similar.

Thank you for being here. Please share your experience, strength and hope in the comments.

Love, Emily